How trauma lives in the body
One thing people do not really talk about in recovery is how much trauma and stress stays trapped in the body. In rehab, massages were actually part of the programme.We had two a week. At first I thought it sounded almost ridiculous.I remember thinking, how is a massage supposed to help somebody whose life has […]
The day I Learnt to Detox Myself
When I first went to rehab, I was told I needed to be detoxed. I had no idea what that even meant. In my head, detox simply meant stopping drinking. I didn’t understand alcohol dependency yet. I didn’t understand withdrawal. I didn’t understand that my body had become physically dependent on alcohol after drinking every […]
Beauty and Fashion became my Armour
It wasn’t until I turned 28 that I became openly honest about my alcoholism to everybody, not just people within the recovery community. Before that, secrecy had become part of my identity. Hiding it.Minimising it.Making excuses for it.Convincing people — and myself — that things were still under control. And I think beauty and fashion […]
The girl hiding bottles
Just before I left university, I was seeing a guy who never finished his wine. He would leave a quarter of the bottle sitting there overnight and go to bed like it meant nothing. Every morning, before he woke up, I would drink what was left and move the bottle slightly so he wouldn’t notice. […]
Still smiling in photos
I was so alone.I could be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone. At first it was drinks with other people — restaurants, parties, laughing too loudly, pretending everything was glamorous and under control. Then slowly it became me alone in my bedroom. Curtains shut. Bottles hidden everywhere. Washing sheets because I’d pissed the […]
From university 4 bottles of wine to 6 bottles of rum and coke a day
At 22 years old, I was physically dependent on alcohol. I was at university at the time. Everyone around me seemed focused on lectures, essays, library deadlines, and building their futures. Meanwhile, I was planning my day around Tesco Express. I would walk there almost mechanically, buying four bottles of wine a day. At the […]
